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I haven't written in this journal for a long time. I don't know if anyone reads this journal. But things really haven't changed much since I last wrote.

Agh. . . .

The boy.

It always comes back to the boy.

I had an amazing time with Mike in December. I decided to not analyze our relationship, not look for answers, not have "the talk" about what we are, etc, etc, I just enjoyed everything we did and had an absolutely amazing, wonderful, fun-filled month.
And it was fun.
It was so much fun.
We did a lot of talking.
We did a lot of laughing.
We did a lot of flirting.
The amount of flirting we did. . . wow, there are not words to describe.
We walked on the line between friendship and more than friendship pretty much all month. It was a very, very, thin line that sometimes all but vanished.
There was some romance going on.
The cuddling went a bit beyond G-rated more than once.
We kissed on Christmas Eve (thanks in part to large amounts of alcohol)
The teasing sometimes took an R rating.
The sexual tension between us was absolutely right there on the surface, ready to explode.

We did some amazingly fun things. . .
We baked cookies together.
He met A LOT of important people in my life.
He accompanied me to a party, and a Buffalo Community Orchestra concert, plus Kathy's Sr. recital. All things it was very fun to have a "date" for.
He took me to some wonderful Christmas programs.
We went to see The Producers.
We had lots of Mythbusters Marathons, watched movies, went out to eat, went to museums, etc. etc. etc.
It was a busy, fun, amazing month.

And I did a really good job of not analyzing too much and just enjoying. And I'm glad I did. It was a very, VERY, fun month.

But, now the month is over and it is time to do stop pretending, and time to do some thinking.

We're never going to work.

I am ready to face reality. As much as it hurts, I am ready to face reality.

I was able to kid myself for part of the last month, thinking that MAYBE things could change and we could work.
But it's almost been a year now.
Things are not changing.

Last night, New Year's Eve, did not go as I had hoped. It went as I EXPECTED, but not as I had hoped.

I had HOPED that Mike would tell me he is in love with me, and that he does indeed want to make a commitment to me, and I will get my "happily ever after" and then he would kiss me and the fairy tale would continue.

What happened was that we had a fun night, he drove me home, and we had a very friendly goodbye hug. End of story.

I love him. I believe that I do. But we just aren't going to work.

We just. . . aren't. It all comes back down to what we've known since last March. . .we just want different things out of life.

To me, success would be getting married, having a family, having good friends, and living happily ever after.

To Mike, success is having a good paying job, and owning his own home, and having good investments.

He has all of this now. His goal is to keep all of this. He has achieved success. He is happy with his life. He is happy with our current relationship. . .we have a lot of fun. We care about each other. But, at the end of the day, he has his life, I have my life, and they are separate. "Dating" is enough for him. There doesn't need to be a future, or growth. . . He doesn't need a "partner". He can achieve his idea of success all on his own.

Me? I hate dating. I hate the uncertainty. I want the growth. I need to move beyond just "dating" and form a real, meaningful relationship. I want a partner. I NEED a partner to achieve my idea of success.

He cares about me. I KNOW he cares about me. He has done some amazingly wonderful things for me. And maybe in some ways, that is part of the problem. . .he does a great job of "taking care" of me, whereas there is very little for me to do to "take care" of him. He doesn't want anyone to take care of him. He doesn't want a partner. He wants a companion, but not a partner.
I want a partner. I want someone to take care of me, but for me to also take care of them.

Mike is wonderful in so many ways. And I truly believe that I love him. I trust him more than I've ever trusted just about anyone.
But . . . it's just not enough.
We could keep things as they are right now for months. . . years even. And we would both be mostly happy.
But, it's still not enough. For either of us.
It's kind of the typical male/female relationship problem of the ages . . I want him to change. He hopes things never change.

I keep hoping he is going to change, but it is not going to happen.
He keeps hoping that I will be satisfied with the way things are, but that is not going to happen.

I need a man who is in love with me, and me only. Who would get jealous if I spent time with other guys, etc. I NEED a commitment.

Mike is in NO WAY a "player" as some of my friends have described him. But he also is not ready to be committed to someone. He doesn't see the need to commit. In his mind, he can care about other people and still care about me just as much. He doesn't WANT the commitment.

Mike is very logical, and I can see his way of thinking. . . and in some ways, it is true. Logically it is very true. When parents have more children, their love for their first child does not diminish in any way. . . they are able to love both children equally. Logically, all relationships should be this way. Logically, it makes sense that just because he has another "non-girlfriend" that he loves and cares about, it doesn't mean that he loves or cares about me any less. And logically it makes a lot of sense.

But love isn't about logic.
Love is about feelings.
I need to feel like I am the most important person in his world, and want him to be the most important person in my world.
I don't want him being with other girls.
I WANT him to be jealous if I were with other guys.
I don't want logic. I want love.

I know that Mike loves me, but he is not IN LOVE with me.
I love him, but clearly I can't be IN LOVE with him either, because I want him to change. If I was truly IN LOVE I wouldn't want him to change.

To borrow a line from a beautiful song: sometimes love just ain't enough.
And I think this is one of those cases.
There is definitely a lot of love between us, but it just isn't enough. . .

May. 4th, 2008

So. . .

Not a whole lot new to report. I was busy subbing last week, which was good. I'm busy subbing this week which is also good. I saw my therapist last week, and will see her again on Tuesday. This is very good.

Life is still crazy insane with the boy. . . we went out to a movie and supper on Wednesday night. We went to see Leatherheads, a movie we've been planning on seeing together for a long time. I put off going because I wanted some time apart, and I didn't think a movie was the best thing for us to do. But last week I decided that I was ready.

I so wasn't ready. Or maybe I was ready. I don't know.

We met at the theater. Got our tickets and snacks, and we were the only one in the theater. This meant that we got to talk as loud as we wanted, so we talked at a normal conversation level through all the commercials and previews (which there were at least 6 of!). It was fun talking to him, after not talking to him or seeing him for a few weeks. Then the movie started, and we settled in to watch the movie. IT was a good movie. (Surprisingly I am the one who wanted to see the movie. The movie about FOOTBALL!!!!) He got our seats for us while I was at the bathroom. He didn't put the armrest between us down, and I had no complaints about this.

So yeah, half way through the movie we were holding hands. My hand was always placed stratigically so that it could be held at any moment. I don't know if he was planning on holding my hand, or if it was more of an accident. . . (although I don't think people really hold hands by accident, so I'm pretty sure I know the answer to that one by myself!) So. . . we held hands through half of the movie. We didn't make eye contact with each other or talk to each other at all the entire time we were holding hands, where prior to the hand holding we'd occasionally make a comment about the movie, or look at each other, or . . . whatever. You get the point. I don't know if holding his hand was right or wrong. But it felt comfortable. And it just felt right.
And then we didn't talk about it at all. Neither one of us mentioned it. What just happened? Why did we hold hands? What does that mean? What? What? What?

So, after the movie we went out to eat in Maple Grove at Timberlodge. It was a very enjoyable evening. We talked a lot, and just had a lot of fun. There was tons of flirting both ways all night from the moment we met until the moment we said goodbye. This continued at the restaurant. There was no more hand holding or really touching of any kind. . . but it was still a very wonderful, comfortable evening. We talked about plans that we had made together in the prior months. . . going to Saints games, and going to see Spamalot. It wasn't "if you still want to come. . . " or "if you still want me to come. . ." it was "so, when we go see Spamalot. . . " We also made plans to get together to watch Monty Python, because I've never seen it and seeing it may help me understand the play a bit better. On of the previews we saw was for Indiana Jones 4. Mike is very excited to see this. I told him I'd never seen the first 3. He said "well, then we'll have to have a movie night before we go see #4 then, won't we". So I guess we're going to see #4 together. . . ?????

Afterwards, he drove me back to my car, walked me to my car, we hugged goodbye, and that was that. We had a very nice hug, but no kiss. I did tell him last month that he can't kiss me anymore. If we are not dating, there shall be no kissing. But. . .um. . . should we hvae kissed? I don't think he'll kiss me, becasue he respects me and my wishes. But um. . . I won't lie. I wanted him to kiss me. Should I have kissed him? I thought about it. I really did, but I didn't. I *almost* kissed him on the cheek, but I didn't even do that because it just seemd . . I do'nt know. . .silly.

So. . . now the question is: NOW WHAT? Did the hand holding mean anything? Did he mean anything by it? Do I want it to mean anything? And what do I want it to mean? Does this mean we are dating again? Does this mean he wants to date me again? Does this mean I want to date him again? SHOULD we be dating? Should we be seeing each other at all?

I don't have answers to any of those questions.

But I do know that I'm planning on going to his house on Wednesday. He is taking me to see an Eagle's nest near his house, which should be cool. We're going to the 5-8 Club to get Jucy Lucy's, at my request. Then we are going to his house to watch Monty Python. When we decided to break up and do this whole "friends" thing I said (to myself, and likey to all of my friends but I don't think to HIM!) that the one thing I would draw the line on was going to his house. . . going to his house for movies is way too tempting to fall back into the old habits of cuddling, hand holding, and kissing. But what am I doing on Wednesday? Going to his house, to sit on his couch and watch a movie with him.

Is this a good idea? I don't know. Probalby not. I do'nt know if the hand holding of last week made this a better idea or a worse idea. It will make me want to and likely expect to hold hands/cuddle during the movie (I *am* going to be watching Monty Python - there needs to be SOME incentive to stay awake!!!) We did it last week, why not this week? But will that lead to more? And do I want it to lead to more? And what will it mean if it does lead to more?

I don't know what I want. My therapist tells me we don't have a communication problem, that I have control issues. This is absolutely, 100% true, and honestly one of the reasons I held his hand at the movie. Who would have thought my THERAPIST of all people would be the one to help me backpeddle! (That was NOT her intention, by the way, and we only talked about him for a few minutes. We will likely spend all hour talking about him this week!)
Maybe we COULD work. . . maybe we pushed too hard to become too much too fast, and if we slow things way down things will fall more into place? Clearly we both enjoy spending time with each other. . .he is horrible at calling me and/or emailing me, but at the same time he is the one who plans most of our activities. It's not like I'm stalking him or forcing him or guilting him into doing things with me. He clearly enjoys seeing me and spending time with me. I don't doubt that. But what kind of a relationship do we have? What kind of relationship SHOULD we have?

I have no idea what his status is as far as "other girls". . . specifically the "friend with benefits" that was somewhat of an issue before. I know they are still good friends and see each other often. I don't know if they are dating, or not dating or still friend with benefits or what.

I don't know what I am to him. But the even bigger problem is that I don't know what he is to me! Are we friends? Dating? Dating, but seeing other people? Dating exclusively? Boyfriend/Girlfriend? What!?!?!?

I am actually OK with any of the above scenarios. If we are friends we DO need to stop the hand holding and anything else that will likely occur on Wednesday. I can handle dating . . . I think I can maybe even handle dating while seeing other people at least for now, becasue then we could still enjoy spending time together, get to know each other even more, see how our relationship evolves, etc. but still have the option of being able to meet other people. The only problem with that scenario is that I don't know if I can handle HIM dating other people. . .! That is very hypocritical of me, but it's true. But the truth is I DO enjoy dating him. But I probably SHOULD date other people, even if I did think he WAS "the one" . . . just to have people to compare him to, if nothing else.

I don't know what I want. I do know that I do not want to fall into the "friends with benefits" trap, because I do want him in my life in some capacity, and I'm not sure that can happen if we fall into the "friends with benefits" role. I want to respect him and myself. But at the same time, if holding hands and cuddling feels so right, what is the harm? Really. . . what is the harm?

So. . . I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I don't know what is going on between the boy and me. I don't think either one of us knows what is going on between us, or what we want to go on between us.

What I do know, is that I will be seeing him agiain on Wednesday. . .and I am quite certain I will come home with many more questions than answers. . . .

Apr. 25th, 2008

So. . . last week at this time I had just arrived home from an un-date with the ex-boyfriend. This week I am remembering why he is my EX boyfriend. I have not talked to him all week. I did email him (twice) last weekend, and did call him once (mostly to leave a message, it did not require a return phone call). But I haven't heard from him all week.
And this is irritating. This is WHY we broke up in the first place. . .I can't handle being that close to someone and then going that long without talking. Even as "just friends" it irritates me, because I miss him and want to talk to him.

So. .. I've been having a very hard night. Not just becasue we haven't talked in a week (becasue really, how many friends have I talked to in the last week? I've talked to Mike a lot more than I've talked to other friends!) But I miss having him as my boyfriend. I miss having a boyfriend, and I miss having HIM for a boyfriend. And yes, these are actually 2 very separate things.

I just miss having a boyfriend period. And doing all the things that you do when you are dating, and having a boyfriend.

But I specifically miss having Mike as a boyfriend. Just the little things that made him him. He is still my friend, and I can still have many of the same experiences with him. We can still have fun together. We can still go out to eat. We can still talk about many things. We can still laugh at the same dorky things. We still have our friendship. And I am grateful for that. But I miss the things that we can't share anymore because he is no longer my boyfriend.
I miss the things we DIDN'T get to experience. Now that it is summer, there are so many more things we could have done together. So many things I was looking forward to doing with him. Some of the things we can still do together - in fact MANY of the things we can still do together. But it's not the same. It will never be the same.

And yet, as much as it hurts to be friends with him, I still can not cut him out of my life. In fact, seeing him last week made me absolutely, 100% convinced that I want him in my life. This week confirmed that breaking up was the right thing to do, but last week confirmed that I do want him in my life.

I'm listening to the song Baby Dont Break My Heart Slow by Vonda Shepard right now. It's interesting, because I agree with the song. And our relationship kind of played out how the song went. . . he didn't break my heart slow. And for that I am thankful. "I'd rather hear the truth, and have to say goodbye" and that is exactly what happened. We could have both pretended for a long time that it was working between us. And in many ways I wish we would have. . . we could have had a few more fun months together. But I respect him for being honest with me, being himself, and not pretending to be someone he wasn't just to try to make me happy. And I'm actually proud of myself for not settling for less than what I wanted. We were both true to ourselves, and didn't try to pretend otherwise in order to prolong the relationship. And this is why we can be friends. It hurts now. It hurts a lot now, but hopefully becasue of the way things happened I will have a life long friend, instead of just a short term boyfriend.

But. . . I really miss him a lot tonight.

Apr. 17th, 2008

I updated my myspace page tonight. I had to enter a mood. The mood I chose was flirty. Becasue that is EXACTLY the mood I was in tonight.

This. Is. Not. A. Good. Thing.

Why, you ask? Because I was on an UN-date with my EX-boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend anymore. This was my choice, might I add. It was agreed upon mutually, but was definitely my choice.

We went to supper at 8th Street Grill, went to see National Geographic Live! It was a photographic journy of the Mississippi River, among other things. Sounds dorky, right? Because it was. And you know what? I loved it. Every. second. it. It was fun. Educational. I learned a lot. It was entertaining.
And we were not done having fun yet, so we went to The Dokata - a Jazz Club, where we had our 4th date, for desert and Jazz music. This was also very fun. The singer was amazing, and there was some definitely flirting from both sides going on.

I. should. not. be. flirting. with. my. ex-boyfriend.

But it was an amazing and fun evening. Perfect in so many ways. Why did I break up with him again?

Don't give me logical reasons - I'm WAY PAST LOGIC. I know why I broke up with him. I can give you a list of logical reasons a mile long. But I enjoy spending time with him so much. We have a lot of similar interests, and know each other's weird habits by now, and have so much fun together. And I would enjoy the time so much more if we could have held hands during the show, and ended the night with a kiss instead of a just a hug. Why is that so wrong? Why? Why? Why? I miss him. I miss having him as my boyfriend. Why do I need to do the "right" thing? Doing the "right" thing just leaves me sad and lonely.

Apr. 16th, 2008

So. . . tomorrow evening I'm going out with ex-boyfriend. We are going out to supper, and then to see National Geographic Live! at the State Theater. . .it is about the Mississippi River. He got the tickets in February. I'm excited to go to the show, go out to eat AND to see him.

However. . . I don't know that it's really the best idea to see him. I'm nowhere near "over" him. Not even close.

I still like him as much as I ever did. . . I've kind of gotten used to not seeing him, since I haven't seen him for a few weeks. .. but tomorrow is just going to put me back at square one.

There can be no kissing, hand holding, cuddling, or anything of the sort. And yes, I need to remind myself of this. Friend. Friend. Friend. NOT boyfriend.


This is hard. . . . . I could definitely use an evening of cuddling.
I miss having a boyfriend.

A lot.

I miss knowing there is someone out there who likes me.

I miss knowing he likes me for *me* and doesn't expect nor want me to change.

I miss having someone else enjoy the same "dorky" things I do.

I miss just having him there for me.

I miss getting excited to see him.

I miss getting dressed up to see him, even though he really never cared what I looked like.

I miss watching movies in my pajamas with him.

I miss not feeling judged.

I miss *him*

I miss hearing his point of view on life.

I miss laughing with him.

I miss teasing him.

I miss flirting.

I miss learning new things from him.

I miss trying new things with him.

I miss kissing him.

I miss cuddling with him.

I *really* miss cuddling with him.

I miss having a boyfriend.

I miss the guy who was my boyfriend.

I feel sad.

I feel lonely.

I miss my boyfriend.


Mar. 2nd, 2008

What a fun weekend.

My best friend came to visit for the weekend.

I got to help throw a baby shower for my "other" best friend. . . my best friend from Kindergarten, and at this shower I got to see lots of old friends and had a great time.

I got to see Beth and Becky who also rank up there somewhere in the "best friend" category.

I got to see my boyfriend.

Canucky, Beth, Becky, and Mike all got to meet each other.

My boyfriend still likes me after spending all night with 4 giggly girls! (And Paul. Who is not a giggly girl.)

I did do SOME cleaning today.

I got to take a NAP today!

Life. . . .is good.

Feb. 21st, 2008

I don't have a lot to say.

Cabin weekend was fun. It is hard to refer to it as "the cabin" anymore. We went from roughing it in a glorified garage to vacationing at a luxury resort. The new cabin is beautiful, and much nicer than any of our houses! I like going to the cabin much better in the summer, but it was still a lot of fun. And now I'm super excited to go in the summer! :-)

Had a nice date on Monday night. Mike came over to take me out to supper, and then he helped me do dishes. :-) I thought it was a PERFECT date!! :-) I had a lot of dishes piled up, because my dishwasher broke last week, and I was an idiot and tried to "fix" it (because I almost know how to do this?!?!?) and ended up burning my finger really badly on the heating coil (I thought it was a hose. It wasn't) I got a good 2nd degree burn on my hand. So, I couldn't use the dishwasher, and my hand hurt too much to wash dishes in hot water. So, they got piled up. Mike volunteered to come over to help me do dishes, so I thought it was really sweet. :-)
I'm in the process of getting a new dishwasher, but in the meantime my finger is better so I can actually do dishes now. I miss having an excuse to not do dishes, but it is nice to not have dirty dishes piled up everywhere!

This weekend I get to meet the family. I'm kind of nervous about this. He says his family is very nice, welcoming, and non-judgemental. But I'm still nervous. But it will all go fine. And we get to spend some fun time together this weekend. Friday can't come soon enough.

Feb. 14th, 2008

So. . . Today is Valentine's Day. And I've now had dates number 11 & 12. Neither of these dates happened tonight. You know, on VALENTINE'S DAY - but I'm trying to not let that bother me. I would of course liked to have had a date on Valentine's Day for the first time ever. . . but really, it is not that big of a deal. It's just a day. A made-up day for the most part. I reserve the right to whine about not having a date, getting flowers, or a card, or even a "Happy Valentine's Day". . . becasue I am a girl, and that is my right. :-) But really how he did (or didn't) act today is a very tiny part of our relationship and I'd rather have him be nice to me lots of days and treat today like just any other day than only remember to be nice today. Really. . . it's all good.

Things seem to be going well (?) I think anyway. They seem to be proceeding anyway. And they seem to be proceeding in a postive way. We had a long chat on Tuesday night, aided by the help of some really good Strawberry Margarittas. He knows exactly where I stand and how I feel about things, and I kind of have a basic understanding of how he feels (I'm not sure he even knows how he feels) He knows that if we are going to continue to date it is going to be an exclusive thing, and he was fine with that. It wasn't an ultimatum, it was just an "I can't handle this whole "casual dating" thing much longer because I'm starting to like you. So, if we are going to continue to date, we need to have some sort of commitment".

So, we'll see how life proceeds.

I did see him both Tuesday and Wednesay night. Both nights were fun.

I will not see him all weekend because I'll be at the cabin. I'm kind of sad about this, because I like seeing him. But I'm super excited to go to the cabin.

I did get invited to "meet the family" next weekend. This is terrifying, but I agreed to it.

We have also had talks of going on a vacation together. I'm not sure if this will happen or not, mostly due to schedule conflicts. . .but it does sound like fun. It sounds like of fast, since it would be next month. . .but it does sound fun. 10 days with a boy I've only known for a few months? Well. . . I've done dumber things. Right now it is a non-issue, because our schedules do not match. But there was talk of figuring a way around that. I won't seriously start to think/analyze/freak about it unless we can coordinate schedules.

So. . . I still have no answers. No labels. No certainty. But, I guess that is called dating, huh?

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